Sometimes when I walk through the city—this city, I get panic attacks. It usually starts at the subway. I’m just really, really tired of seeing “FAG FUCK FUCK FAG GAY GAY FAG DICK SUCK FAGGOT” graffiti on the subway posters. I never get used to it. I still can’t understand--really understand--how people can follow through on an impulse to do that. It does more damage to our society I think than people realize. I think the proof is that no one notices or cares anymore. Then it crosses my mind that what they’re actually writing on—ridiculous ads for…well, anything—and it becomes even more depressing. I don't know what's worse for society. I’ll eventually get off at Union Square and there I see the 400 posters of “I’M A PC” poster. It always makes me stop to look around to see if anyone else notices them. Violently I’m screaming in my head “What? I’m a personal computer? Anyone? How are we allowing this? NO WE’RE NOT PERSONAL COMPUTERS—WE’RE HUMAN BEINGS FUCK YOU.” But no one notices. Do you realize how much shit we're subjected to everytime we go outside? How many billboards, how much we READ when we're out of our houses? You're constantly processing shit. And I’m not thinking fuck corporate America or fuck consumerism. I’m having panic attacks because I know it works. I know that people, including myself, really do start to think “am I Macintosh computer or am I a Personal Computer?” And I know it’ll work on my kids one day, and that’s when I really start panicking.
When I was a kid, we were so poor I can’t even explain. Imagine going away for college and trying to budget your money with a shitty college type job and having to pay for every single expense on your own. Well, it was like that, except it wasn’t just budgeting for yourself—it was for an entire family. Mom was in grad school. Dad was washing dishes at a Chinese restaurant. I’m not asking for boo-hoos, I’m just saying, even when I was five, I understood we were poor. I didn’t have a single toy and had clothes enough for three days, all from thrift stores. Half of them were girls’ clothes I think. Realizing what all the other kids had and what I had, it made me feel like shit. My baby brain pinpointed all the confusion, loneliness, and early childhood pain to that: I didn’t have the toys other kids had. So I started stealing shit. Age 5. I mean, this is where it starts, because what I’m saying is, if you don’t become conscious of the false security of possessions, IT WON’T END. I’m 23 now. Reflecting back on my childhood, I realize now, I felt like shit growing up as a kid not because of my lack of possessions--it was from REAL things, like parental attention, friends or lack of friends, culture shock, etc. I just became conscious of that like, last year. I realized that as I was sitting on my big ass NICE sofa, watching a 42 in LCD HD TV 1080P as my APPLE INTEL 17 IN. MAC BOOK PRO sat on my IKEA GALANT CORNER DESK and updated my APPLE G3 IPHONE with new updates after I updated my 300GIG APPLE IPOD. I’ve come a long way right? But why aren't I happier than I am right now? Look, I’m just saying, you start at a young age, and you get so used to it that it might never become clear. I think advertisers and marketers understand that there is a certain amount of damage done to every single kid growing up because we’re just naturally born too needy and unprepared. We’re too young and too underdeveloped as kids to defend ourselves, emotionally. It’s all damage control as soon as you pop out. I mean, our little brains will do what we can, and if someone directs us into a direction, in a race or sort of system or structure for us to be able to understand, then we do our emotional damage control there. One structure is school and feeling good about getting good grades. Another is having toys and possessions. I think that’s why there’s so much consumer crap for children. It will guarantee to make every kid feel better. There are no children that are minimalist or idealist. Their brains aren’t there yet. I mean, with a developed adult brain, take something like Christmas for example and seriously think about it: Santa Claus will give you a bunch of toys and shit if you’re ‘good’. TOYS. It makes as much sense as “be good and you’ll go to Heaven”, and I know there are people out there that think Christianity is pure bullshit but don’t think there’s anything wrong with kids being subjected to Christmas. Sure it’s fun and sentimental and brings a sense of family, but I thought it was called Thanksgiving? Oh wait—I forgot, Thanksgiving’s just the big ass meal you have so you don’t get hungry when you wait in line that afternoon at Best Buy for the hot deals the next day—Black Friday. (I'm not bashing on Christmas completely. There is a very strong famly aspect in there and the traditions that mean something to each family. I'm just speaking of it from a point of view of a society as a whole.)
I think back to hundred years ago, or even thousands of years ago. I love imagining myself and all my friends and family in some prehistoric setting. We’d forget all the bullshit and distractions and can really just enjoy each other. We’d all be wearing the same clothes or whatever the fuck. No monetary system, you just pick up what you can use and share everything. Socialism by choice. We’d have to invent games all day. Hide and seek, softball, whatever. We’d explore and talk about life and how things affect us.
Sometimes it feels like the only reason we invent things or progress technology is to advertise shit easier and more effectively. That’s a little extreme but I mean seriously, do we need better technology? Shouldn’t ALL technology be towards medicine and space travel? Every generation has functioned fine until the next generation came. Did we honestly need BLU-RAY over DVDs? Was anyone sitting there like “Man, I’m so sick of this DVD image, we really need something better.” They make it adn then tell us we need it, and we believe them. It all just makes us weaker as human beings. We’re becoming too comfortable and lazy, and worse at things like conversation and communication and HONESTY because of technology. I mean look at this fucking retarded ass digital scroll I’m writing on. I can’t do anything but resort to this because this is the most effective way people want to communicate thoughts--BLOGS??. I should be having conversations with everyone I know and don't know, IN PERSON or at the least, on a telephone. But people think it'd be crazy or something. They think because I write, I won’t listen. YES, this thing is a one way street, but all I would ever want is to say all this in conversation so I can hear someone else’s perspective and challenge my own. IN PERSON. We’re all so crazy now we think opinionated conversations are arguments as opposed to mutual education, mutual enlightment. People have been doing it since the beginning of time until a couple of generations ago.
All right, back to one thing at a time. There’s nothing wrong with owning things and having possessions. I just think we have to get some perspective on it, and not get caught up or use them to replace the real voids in life. It’s not a new concept. It’s actually a tired concept but I can’t help but think we're getting more and more trapped because they're getting better at trapping us with technology and more and more technology. This isn't some bullshit I'm regurgitating from some book or some romanticized shit about minimalism or anything. This is coming from someone that has been affected by it to an extreme most people probably will never get to. I can see it in people and can see the tendencies, and it terrifies me. Think of me as the crippled ex-gangster, and I’m just visiting schools in South Central to tell kids about the dead ends of that kind of life. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be completely cured of it—but I’m trying. It’s why I get so angry when I see any type of commercials or ads. It’s like a rape victim confronting a rapist. All right, no more analogies--you get it.
I just hope I can do what I can to protect my kids from this shit, to find the balance of having possessions but understanding it for what it is.
This is why I love the woods so much. And the ocean and all the priceless things people haven’t fucking destroyed to make money. We only live like 75 years. How much money do you really need to make FUCKERS?
Ironically however, I moved to New York City instead of the woods. It's nice though. I am back to being poor and barely have anything, and although everywhere I go, they're telling me I need more, I ain't no kid no more, and can say, "Fuck you. NO."
