the next time you'll hear about me-- it won't be from me.

Still Can't Get Over It

A little over ten years ago, God came down and posed as a musician, but not too many people seemed to noticed.

AFI Festival: Eraserhead with David Lynch

Chicago

East Coast

Benji

Cafe Susina on Melrose with Benji, my once TA at USC. Haven't eaten a piece of meat since mid September. The weather was nice.

Idyllwild, CA

Sequoia National Park

Was better as a kid.

Jeff Staron

Did some head shots for Jeff today, although, I probably shouldn't have because I already know how he looks, this is just promoting him to work for other people...I better get on it.

My temper unacceptable.

Wittmann, Arizona

Took Zorba to Arizona today. Drove there in six hours and literally thought we just got started talking after warming up all our thoughts. Decided to drive back the same day because I heard a ding in my head. Ready for the month of truth, and the ever-draining search to figure out how to make movies-- savant style.

This Side of Paradise

Walking through downtown a few times a week has been a great way to off set many habits and ways of thinking I didn't realize I've grown accustomed to. For example-- shopping. It's unbelievable how many different, unique, and genuinely cool shit there is along Los Angeles St. It's all completely cheap, of the same quality as anything you'd find at Target or stores of that nature, and it's filled with stuff I've always wondered where I could get something like that.

Specifically right now, old Nintendo and Super Nintendo games. Yes, you can go on eBay, order it from some lady in Kansas, but you'll be paying competitive prices. It's all about making as much money as you can on eBay, that's the whole point.

Over here, there's not much of a monetary discrepancy between Final Fantasy II and Family Feud. You just have the check the box of SNES games with the $4 written on it. That's how the mexican stores do it.

The Koreans however-- they know. But they also know where they're located-- two blocks from skid row. They charge a little more for things that they know are worth a little more, but they also have the Chrono Triggers, Lufia II's, the Final Fantasies.

Swap meets are cool and all, but this is even better for certain things.

Illusions of Less Grandeur and The Search For Magic

My mom told me a story the other day. I was in it. And in it, I was nineteen years young-- anxious and naive. I was watching the Godfather at home. Afterwards, I loaded up the documentary about FFC and the makings of his movie. The point of my Mom's story was that afterwards, I called her over and fast-fowarded to a specific shot and paused it. It was an image of Coppola's production notebook--a fat, four inch binder that looked like it was about to explode out of its covers. She said I pointed at it and said to her with that gleam in my eye and that confidence in my voice, "that's how I'm going to make movies."

Then I went to film school-- the best one in the world apparently, and they trained me not to do it that way. Not directly anyway, which was even more dangerous. They trained me to work in a system. To work diligently. To get along with people. To be a filmmaker instead of an artist. And I did it. I was able to make something halfway decent within the system. It made me believe I was on the right track.

Then I graduated. I moved away and began to create. I quickly realized there was a lot I didn't learn, but I knew that. So I taught myself. And things were conceived, written, and planned.

Turn the pages to last weekend, our first production day for Eat Your Heart Out. The day went as planned-- we shot at the stunning Takami Sushi in downtown LA on the 21st floor and then did the bedroom scene back at the apt. Beautiful images of the story were captured. We had a crew of three plus the two actors.

Something wasn't right though. It's hard to explain now, and impossible to realize on the day of the shoot. Quite frankly, it's not something I'd like to divulge, because it's the secret I know, the secret that's not a secret but is one because it's so easy to forget. The next day, I saw the dailies and the same off-feeling continued to blossom, but the rational mind is resilient. The filmmaker mind that was molded and trained at USC gave all the necessary explanations and language. But luckily, I am first and foremost, a ferociously emotional man. So as I drove home, something quietly exploded inside me. Three years of training and practice slowly became clear. Literally. And once I saw through all that, I remembered why I wanted to make this movie in the first place; how and why I wanted to make movies at all in the first place. And it instantly became very clear: This isn't good enough.

It's a simple concept, but it's the most crucial concept. THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. Only the director, the creator of a project can truly know whether this is true or not, it's hard to be honest with yourself about it. There are a million-- and I mean a million tasks as you go along that can be accomplished and discussed and executed, especially when you have such a small crew and you have the responsibilities of a producer/writer/director/casting director/director of photography/editor/grip/electric on a project.

It was a good feeling though, a comforting, reassuring feeling that after only the first day, when everyone else felt okay about the shoot, when the actors were positive and confident in their performances and in this project, when the images looked as stunning as they did, when the morale was high and we had momentum-- I was able to stop, fire the actress, put the entire film production on hold for at least a month and feel so angry at myself and the crew that I could have flipped tables. To be able to decide that it doesn't matter if you make some enemies along the way and that the priority of film making isn't about getting along with people-- because that happens afterwards when you know you did your part to the best of your abilities, but nothing good, nothing magical happens without some tension, and one has to welcome that.

I'm on the right path again. I remembered there's a road that leads straight to the magic of films, of scenes, of life and of the stories, situations and interactions we rarely find in movies-- the magic I forgot about but know. I realize more than ever now that it's a learning process, but I'm glad I'm at the right school of thought now-- the Kubrick and Coppola school of the thought. The THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH lesson and the discovery and exploration of a way of thinking, a way of doing things as an obsessive, demanding artist that will not settle for anything short of his ability. The worse thing I could do to myself and to everyone involved is not to insult them or create tension-- it's to make a movie that simply isn't good enough.

Sometimes...Why Make Movies?

Kiki's Delivery Service

We saw Hayao Miyazaki's 1989 joint Kiki's Delivery Service today. It's the fourth of his I've seen behind Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, and Howl's Moving Castle and I have to say-- I should start taking his work much more seriously. Despite all the Shakespearean studies of human interaction in life and relationships I adore in French New Wave, Annie Hall and Manhattan, Eternal Sushine and Wong Kar Wai, I have a permanent pyramid of desire to experience and tell classic stories of epic adventures and love I find mostly in old video games like Chrono Trigger, the Final Fantasies, Zelda, Lunar, and in movies like The Seven Samurai.

Miyazaki's stories always give me that feeling-- that desire that you immediately want to take the few people you love and live in his world. There's something so familiar, so safe and fantastical about the world he creates that makes me feel clean and pure, which is quite difficult at my age and with my point of views. There are no religions, no existential crisis, no politics or future or past-- just a story that could be told at any time about things we care about but forget to. I'm ready to watch everything else he's done, and to hopefully retain some of that unexplainable magic that works on me when I watch his movies.

Halibut

So I used to make tilapia all the time when I lived in LA and it was no big deal and it never smelled or anything-- it was just good and simple so the other day, we decided to make Halibut because homegirl eats fish now and we found some sort of Veracruz or whatever the fuck type of mexican recipe that required us to bake the fish after you sear it and the whole time I kept thinking-- how is this thing going to have any flavor if all you do is pat some salt and pepper on the outside and of course it didn't have much flavor although after we mashed it up with the rice and sauce it was a little better but-- the entire house smells like the most nasty third world country kitchen which I don't really mind if it was my place but it's not and it's not going away so now everyone's pissed because who the hell wants that so what I'm saying is-- fuck baking halibut.

Date #2

There's not much I'm going to tell about except this homemade log of mint chocolate chip ice cream was really one of the best things I've ever eaten and also...

As a general rule, don't go to places and do things you used to like when you were younger. It's something I already know but keep testing. Most of the time, you either still do have fun and feel like you haven't progressed at all (which isn't such an awful thing), or you can't believe how stupid it is. But, if you're with someone you enjoy, it ain't so bad.

Leo

The infamous August 12 birthday for my two favorite lions.

The uninvited guest:

The cake:

The present:

The grown-up birthday dinner at Bandera's: (you can guess which one was mine)

(It's this one. This is the one that was mine.)

Although afterwards, with drunken misdirected angst, I stole the pepper grinder, which I don't regret because every household needs one.

West Africa

HEY MAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OVER THERE IN WEST AFRICA?

I put my Nikon kit on Craigslist for a price higher than what I would expect since it's almost a given you have to barter with everyone, but I get this email about 15 minutes after I post the thing.

Great right? I'm excited, this guy sounds like the stereotypical high rise office dad working downtown while his daughter's out doing romantically positive things since she doesn't have to worry about anything. I get this right before I go to bed and told him I'll deal with him in the morning. I tell the Ding and the first thing she says is that it's probably bullshit but I don't take it seriously because she likes to think everything I do is bullshit sometimes.

Morning comes and I'm driving to work, ready to make the transaction with this guy as soon as I get to work. I stop by Zorba's apt, and casually mention it to him. He says, "What? West Africa?" At the same time, I get like four calls from my Dad. I finally pick it up and the fool's already yelling at me. "NOO. NOOO. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT." Zorba hears it even though it's not on speaker and laughs. Then they all tell me it's bullshit-- don't you know? "But damn," I thought. I was so eager, so happy to be selling my stuff for such a higher than expected amount. What? That's the whole point? Thats how they get you?

A few minutes later...

and later...

Hey man. I'm thinking about playing along and getting an address. And then sending them my shit in a bag with toenail clippings and a pipe bomb. Can you imagine that fucking post office that's receiving all this shit? Jesus what a world...

Steve Nash & Maggie

Eat Your Heart Out Camera Test

Specialty camera, it's like shooting on 70mm film. Not sure why so many people consider this the standard over the 7D with its APS-C sensor that's more of the equivalent of 35mm film. 5D not good for shooting a handheld film that's naturally lit on f1.8-4 with the operator racking focus and getting a depth of field quality that isn't distracting and inappropriate. The low light capabilities aren't that much better either. Going with the Canon 7D. I guess when USC made us shoot on 16mm film with prime lenses the whole time, it really paid off. I'm actually excited to make, print and laminate depth of the field charts now :D

Sunday

I could eat this everyday if I was alone. Whole wheat penne, tomatoes, green and yellow peppers, olives, basil, oregano, olive oil, parmesan cheese and Italian turkey sausages. Somehow, it's considered healthy too, crazy.

Get It

I found a framed print of William Blake's "Ancient of Days" on allposters.com for sale and of course, it was expensive and unnecessary. Seeing as how I don't really live anywhere right now, I decided to put it on hold-- until I remembered that Costco makes incredible prints, 11x14 for $2.99, I looked online and found a huge jpeg of this watercolor with perfect detail.

So I tried it. Sent it to Costco online, paid $2.99 for an 11x14, found an old frame from high school, took out the old, corny teenage photo, and...

Sometimes things work out :)

Be

I read parts of Uta Hagen's A Challenge For The Actor today, in hopes that previously unattainable ideas would formulate in my head regarding the numbing duty in filmmaking known as directing the actors. I'm starting to believe that seventy-five percent of the work is done in casting, which is why I'm approaching these auditions with the same effort and seriousness as production. Yes, I've heard that in school. I have to believe it myself to believe it though, and I'm finally achieving that through practice.

Last week was surprisingly draining for me. We only went through seven actresses, but each one required attention, my opinion, and some sort of cooperation on my part to ensure I was getting the best possible performance given the circumstance. Tomorrow, I will be seeing eighteen.

See, it's one thing when an actress shows up and immediately, she doesn't look the part. The pressure is slightly off and I just have to sit and go through the motions, knowing she doesn't have a chance. It sucks for her, but it's fair. It's what she signed up by being an actress. However, when one comes in and her looks don't disqualify her, then the pressure is on. I immediately visualize her in the role, and before she utters her first line, I see it in my head already-- how she should sound, how she should behave, everything. Obviously thus far, no one has auditioned and matched what was playing in my head on the first go around, so from there, I have to figure out if it's her talent or her interpretation that's causing this. Most of the time, I give the benefit of the doubt that it's her interpretation, but most of the time, we're just off. Maybe she isn't a bad actress, but she isn't the right one for the role.

Uta mentions that one needs to be aware of "vain and egocentric actors who enjoy displaying themselves, trading on those characteristics that they believe would appeal to the audience, regardless of the role and the circumstances of the play". This was definitely something I saw last week, but couldn't put it in words. There is performing, and then there's being. I need someone who can be Cecilia, not play Cecilia. It always felt like she was trying to communicate to me rather than to Jeff, or Gilbert. Immediately, I become aware of this, and it isn't believable. If she forgot every person in the room other than Jeff, and spoke to him in a tone and a volume that made Jeff believe she wasn't thinking about anyone else other than him and what she was saying to him, automatically, it'll communicate to the audience. It's a movie. We're eavesdropping, that's the whole point. All the actresses didn't achieve this, but I didn't understand this concept well enough to communicate it to them.

I hope tomorrow I will be more prepared, and with a little luck, we can start this thing.

Odilon Redon - The Cyclops

FUCKLEBRON.COM

One day, when I am mentally free, I will write my piece about Lebron to sum up what I've been saying-- sometimes screaming, since 2004. You can't be fooled by the surface or the hype. It was clear from the beginning.

A Beautiful Piece of History From the Secret Truth of Our Planet

Tarot Maconnique

Zorba found this unbelievable French, out of print Tarot deck at an obscure botanica in Westlake by MacArthur park today. We both couldn't believe what we saw. Masonic tarot deck from 1849 by Jean Bouchard. More than fifty years before the Rider-Waite and Aleister Crowley decks. Tarot and Freemasonry both came into existence in the late 14th century around the same area of the world. Everything is so blatantly there. Slowly peeling the infinite onion...

∆ ∞ ∆

So tired of walking from Union Station to 7th and Grand. It's only about four miles round trip but I don't think I've ever followed an exercise routine for this long. It's not so much a physical thing as much an exhaustion of my senses. There are no more routes left to explore; no more interesting smells from the Grand Central Market. I'm sick of walking through the film crews on Spring, rationalizing my uneasiness and trying to forget that I feel more comfortable walking down Broadway with all the trash poverty destitute crazies than I do walking by a Panavision camera nowadays. I can't help but get annoyed and be intimidated because I can't believe they're shooting yet another piece of shit for TV and I'm still working on my script on the train as I go into work everyday. But that's not the mentality, right? Soon enough, I'll get mine. I just have to earn it, and that's what this process is.

EYHO is going through rewrites everyday. Just received notes from my friend Arvin Chen, which I must take into serious consideration, especially since I just saw pictures of the DVD box set that's being released of Au Revoir Taipei, his first feature he made overseas. Basically, he knows what he's talking about. I've never dissected and revised something I've written to this extent. I hope it's for the good, and that I'm not intellectualizing my storytelling instincts that created the initial story. Casting again this weekend. Still need revisions for the audition sides. Katie going in for her interview today. Just a lot of things and things...

Cecilia, You're Breaking My Heart

First day of auditions today. Kavan found a small theatre near Sunset and we rented it out for four hours. So far, I've received 190 submissions for Cecilia-- I contacted 18 with maybe 18 to email for next week. I completely forgot it was July 4th weekend, but seven managed to come in yesterday.

1. It was a wonderful dynamic having a working crew of Katie, James, Kavan and Jeff. Never would have imagined but turned out great. Deejay had work today too, so more help is on the way.

2. I have more respect for actors. Must be so hard to come in and for some, really put yourself out there. It's almost embarrassing-- to meet someone and immediately try to show them your abilities of which you are banking on to chase a dream because really, for most of them and most us-- anyone doing anything in the entertainment industry, we're dreaming.

3. I love working with actors. I used to be afraid of it but being older now and having a better understanding of our respective roles, I am less afraid to ask for more.

4. The Griddle in LA is the best breakfast/lunch ever. But everyone in LA already knows that.

5. No Cecilia. Every actress can play something, and can play pieces of this role specifically, but no one blew me away. Maybe one or two call backs. Hopefully next week also goes well. Feeling better about the process though, which is great. I've got a good group getting my back. Feel like we can do anything.

Third Draft

Hoping for good things to come to my head today, despite the distractions and general depressed mood.

Can't Stop Brooding; Obsessing...

What went on on this planet? What is going on on this planet?

Boy, You're Gonna Carry That Weight, Carry That Weight A Long Time

My phone finally broke today. Screen went completely stupid. However, I did get to see Kavan and James together for the first time since 2008. Met up with Jeff, the lead in Eat Your Heart Out. I guess it was a "production meeting"? Whatever. Talked about casting this week. So hard to stay on track. Don't understand why this is all so stressful and draining, as if another force inside me is pulling the opposite way. Never been so mutely excited for something I really want to do-- it almost feels like unexcitement/dread.

Need to learn to balance my life better this time. Didn't do well dispersing my efforts and attention today. Not everything is purely, completely devoted to filmmaking anymore, which I'm glad. I feel more like a real human being this time. I think I'll be a better filmmaker because of it. It definitely helped me write better. Now to figure out the production part.

The Lovers

Woke up and watched this in bed before I got up. Early French New Wave, 1958. It's ridiculous how romantic some of these stories were. Love decides all-- above morality, logic, or practicality. I'd love to believe it, but I feel as a global culture, as a species, we've been systematically trained to stop believing this. Western religious influence. Stories about love like this are now considered too corny to tell, too cheesy to sell-- shit you only get from pop songs or sitcoms. Fairy tales you grow out of. Love of the old kind makes people take too many chances, go out of control. Louis Malle was only twenty-five when he made this. Not the best film, but worth watching. The themes are timeless, as long as we're still human beings.

A Balanced Meal

Brown rice is usually pretty gross-- always with the stale texture and almost bitter taste, but it's good for you and I bought some basmati brown rice from India that looked promising. Lucky for us, there was a recipe in the back for brown rice and black beans, along with some zucchini, salsa, red and yellow peppers and sour cream. We also added Tofurkey sausage-- SO GOOD and GOOD FOR YOU.

For dessert, we had chex mix, popcorn, chili powder and parmesan cheese-- BOMB

I'm Not a Business Man-- I'm a Business, Man

Well...not really. Made business cards today, finally. Used an old polaroid of Santa Monica Pier and my Smith and Corona typewriter and a scanner.

Beignet Death

So somehow I went to N.O. and didn't go to Cafe Du Monde and get a beignet and actually didn't even realize it until I was at the airport but a lady working at the gift shop said WHAT?? YOU WERE HERE AND DIDN'T GET A BEIGNET?? and immediately directed me to this product and said that I could at least try to make it at home and so that worked out because I would have felt guilty to try one in N.O. without Katie who was the one that introduced me to them at the Jazz Kitchen in downtown Disney so now this way, we'd both be able to try beignets from New Orleans.


SUCKED. COULDN'T GET THE OIL TEMPERATURE RIGHT; MAY HAVE RUINED BEIGNETS FOR BOTH OF US FOR A WHILE.