Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Relationships Age 23

Nice faces framed in perfectly placed hair wrapped around shapely heads that rest on petite shoulders sway across sidewalks everywhere. I see them and can appreciate the aesthetics, like I would with a golden bed of leaves fallen around a winter tree. I wonder why my dick is now detached from my eyes; why pretty stops at pretty, as if there is nothing beneath the clothes, nothing to disguise. Interactive magazine ads. None of the these bars are making any sense anymore. I want to have fun when I'm in these dark caves, but from these conversations, I think we have a different idea of fun.

"Where are you originally from?"
"Where do you work?"

But I honestly don't care, really. Must we fish for common interests when they aren't apparent at the surface? I want our behavior to meet each other, not our words, and I want it to be an accident. I know enough to know I hardly ever, EVER, meet anyone interesting. Funny--yes. Entertaining--yes. Easy to get along with--yes. Interesting? Hardly. Respectable? Nope, and all I want is to be genuinely interested in people I can respect.

I exist with people that I love, and our conversations come from fostered and nourished love. Silly and sincere, inebriated with a familiar spinning loopiness that never gets old. Lust is a different wavelength. It bores me tired.

Listen, I understand my dick goes inside your vagina, it'd feel nice for us both, but what's my brain supposed to be doing in the meantime? I'm just as surprised as you are that I don't think it's worth it anymore--for my brain to endure the time before, during, and after my dick gets to feel good for a little bit. I know from past lives, in love is in the only thing stronger than my brain; the only thing that can silence it and let is rest. It's the only way for my dick to feel guiltless and free, and that's the only way I'll do it. I can't get drunk enough to believe anything else.

Another human being is not the only cure for loneliness. I think at this stage in our lives, or in mine, we should be building ourselves independently, through new, 'relationshipless' experiences before we try and make sense of one together. It is so hard to co-exist, mostly for practical reasons, even for soul mates. A good relationship can change your life, but they are a waste of my precious time if it isn't building towards a future. It's how I feel right now. I could be spending that time doing cartwheels in Alaskan summer hills. Human beings aren't the only things that can affect you deeply, I think we tend to forget that.

I'm just saying--I used to have to share my bed a lot. I wake up easier now, where ever it may be.

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