the wolves of the pack are starving. the males are hopeless hunters. the female, in heat, leaves the pack and travels to find a suburban area with domesticated dogs. a large male dog, usually unfixed, picks up her scent in heat and loses all his sense of obedience and training and does everything in its power to escape the home that has loved and cared for him. the female wolf patiently waits. the chase is on. the female wolf is naturally faster but keeps a steady pace in order to keep the male dog within chasing distance. sometimes, the chase lasts for acres. when she finally comes back to the pack with the male dog close behind, the male wolves attack and kill the big male dog. the female wolf waits patiently and lets all the males eat first. she eats whatever is left but knows it is enough. she is then satisfied in heat and soon becomes a mother.
you must appreciate the female if you want to survive. if you chase them though, you will die.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
lucky
two weeks ago:
i'm walking out of the downtown parking garage headed towards work. it's a routine you have to live with. around the corner walks the most unsettling people you'll ever see. everybody's got a story. it makes you feel vulnerable you're not riding in a car. it's what los angeles will do to you. this particular morning, a man wearing a turban dressed in his tuesday office attire walks towards me. he doesn't notice me and i think nothing of it until we make eye contact. i look away and keep moving but in my peripheral i notice that he has stopped. he's staring and pointing at me with his chin. i hear him call me and i turn and face him. the calm grey face he had is gone. he stares at me as if i'm bright and glowing, his right hand reaching out, his focus locked on something beyond my skin. i'm more impatient than perturbed although i can't help but notice he's reaching for my face.
'lucky,' he says. 'you are lucky.'
'right, of course,' i nod. i'm slightly above bored. he's fixated on the left corner of my forehead.
'your head. it is lucky. next week, you will be lucky.'
i finally take a step back. he's shorter than i am and needs to lean in to touch my face. it's uncomfortable for anyone.
'thank you,' i lie.
i walk away, distracted from my routine. i glance back at him. he has turned around and is headed back down his original path. before i look away, i observe him for a moment. he appears normal and walks past strangers no more stranger than anybody else. i shrug my eyes and leave.
-
wednesday the next day.
i'm walking around the corner. i never think of anything in the morning. if i am, it's forgotten like a dream by noon. except today, i'm half expecting to see my man. he, of course, isn't there. i start to think about our encounter and what was said. not many moments of it crystalizes for me, except when i hear him say 'next week.' why next week i wonder? it's specific but beyond that, it's logical. it makes a lot of sense to tell me 'next week' i'll be lucky the week before. it creates suspense and drama. i laugh on the street. the guy got me.
-
the next few days.
i'm becoming very aware of how much my mind wanders. i notice because every time i do wander, i find myself wondering what it means to be lucky. i humor the idea because however i imagine it, the future looks good. my first impulse is winning the lotto. of course. but that kind of money usually becomes a curse in stories like these. so i get romantic and think, what if i meet a lady next week? but i'd be too aware. wouldn't be 'real'. in fact, any opportunity wouldn't be real. except...money. curse or no curse, money is money. it's irrational how i immediately associate money with guilt and negativity. but as time passes now, i begin to imagine what i'd do with a lottery amount of money. my parents would be handling it or i'd be smart about it either way. it'd change the lives of everyone i knew because we would all have it. we. and i honestly mean that. and because i mean it, winning the lotto wouldn't be bad thing. wouldn't be a selfish thing. i can't buy happiness but i can find it in seeing the people i care about happier and less stranded by something as awful as money.
i felt righteous and spiritually deserving. i couldn't stop playing this future. i went on the california lottery website and figured out what i needed to do. the better part of me sincerely believed that life could work out this way. that a prophet could come down and guide you to your fate, and you find nirvana in control. beyond the joy that the $88 million dollar jackpot would bring, the prophecy, the follow through, and the understanding of all this would've equally been as valuable. a miracle. friday, i bought 14 lottery tickets at the liquor store i walk by every day on my way to work. just outside was where i was told i was a bright glowing ball of luck. it all made too much sense, i thought. i kept the tickets safe and even signed the back. i was sure. i felt my faith.
-
tuesday 'next week'.
lottery night. numbers were going to be picked at 8pm. it was also emily's last night before she went to idaho. i left the tickets in LA. i knew i wanted to be alone when i saw the numbers magically, yet not so magically match up. i was sure in a way i didn't understand. we went out to dinner. i had a great time and completely forgot about the lottery. it's things like that that'll make you feel corny. maybe i'm already lucky.
as the night went on, i felt the excitement inflating. life was about to change like it never had. i left as usual and didn't tell anyone i'd be calling them in an hour to tell them things were about to get real. i took the 5 north, which usually detours you to the 91 after 11pm. it'd been that way for months. but not that night. they wanted me home as quick as possible. i drove fast and thought how i'd tell my parents. should i call or just show up? i was listening to 'sweet jane' and singing it like it was the last time. and then i saw it in my mirror. red blue red blue red blue red blue. i was surprisingly complacent and reasonable about it. i guess that comes from being pulled over eight times in the last five years and getting out of every single ticket. it comes from the fact that i truly believed i was never going to get another ticket, simply because when i was eighteen, i decided i wasn't going to anymore.
there's something very sad about getting ticketed while driving alone in the middle of the night. my excitement was gone. i could care less how much the ticket was. it was the fact that something i believed would never happen did happen. and the problem was, it made too much sense. from the way i drive, never getting a ticket again makes no sense. but that's the world i proudly live in. in my world, i do get pulled over 8 times and get myself out of every single one of them. it's having a will and a spirit, not luck. having a downtown LA crazy tell me something that leads me to winning the lotto is something that i believe can happen in my world. i believed it because it makes no sense to most people. but now, as i drove home, disturbed by the sensibility of what just happened, i knew it was over.
it's hard to be too disappointed by anything anymore. it's all quite funny and innocent and it's wonderful to enjoy things regardless of its consequence or conclusion. but what's really nice to know is that i'm still able to believe in something that absurd and nonsensical. at least to most people. but if i really thought i was going to win the $88 million dollar jackpot on july 15, 2008, then it's not hard to believe the future will turn out magnificently. my spirit is unbreakable, and nothing's gonna change my world. what's left for lucky and who cares, cheers.
i'm walking out of the downtown parking garage headed towards work. it's a routine you have to live with. around the corner walks the most unsettling people you'll ever see. everybody's got a story. it makes you feel vulnerable you're not riding in a car. it's what los angeles will do to you. this particular morning, a man wearing a turban dressed in his tuesday office attire walks towards me. he doesn't notice me and i think nothing of it until we make eye contact. i look away and keep moving but in my peripheral i notice that he has stopped. he's staring and pointing at me with his chin. i hear him call me and i turn and face him. the calm grey face he had is gone. he stares at me as if i'm bright and glowing, his right hand reaching out, his focus locked on something beyond my skin. i'm more impatient than perturbed although i can't help but notice he's reaching for my face.
'lucky,' he says. 'you are lucky.'
'right, of course,' i nod. i'm slightly above bored. he's fixated on the left corner of my forehead.
'your head. it is lucky. next week, you will be lucky.'
i finally take a step back. he's shorter than i am and needs to lean in to touch my face. it's uncomfortable for anyone.
'thank you,' i lie.
i walk away, distracted from my routine. i glance back at him. he has turned around and is headed back down his original path. before i look away, i observe him for a moment. he appears normal and walks past strangers no more stranger than anybody else. i shrug my eyes and leave.
-
wednesday the next day.
i'm walking around the corner. i never think of anything in the morning. if i am, it's forgotten like a dream by noon. except today, i'm half expecting to see my man. he, of course, isn't there. i start to think about our encounter and what was said. not many moments of it crystalizes for me, except when i hear him say 'next week.' why next week i wonder? it's specific but beyond that, it's logical. it makes a lot of sense to tell me 'next week' i'll be lucky the week before. it creates suspense and drama. i laugh on the street. the guy got me.
-
the next few days.
i'm becoming very aware of how much my mind wanders. i notice because every time i do wander, i find myself wondering what it means to be lucky. i humor the idea because however i imagine it, the future looks good. my first impulse is winning the lotto. of course. but that kind of money usually becomes a curse in stories like these. so i get romantic and think, what if i meet a lady next week? but i'd be too aware. wouldn't be 'real'. in fact, any opportunity wouldn't be real. except...money. curse or no curse, money is money. it's irrational how i immediately associate money with guilt and negativity. but as time passes now, i begin to imagine what i'd do with a lottery amount of money. my parents would be handling it or i'd be smart about it either way. it'd change the lives of everyone i knew because we would all have it. we. and i honestly mean that. and because i mean it, winning the lotto wouldn't be bad thing. wouldn't be a selfish thing. i can't buy happiness but i can find it in seeing the people i care about happier and less stranded by something as awful as money.
i felt righteous and spiritually deserving. i couldn't stop playing this future. i went on the california lottery website and figured out what i needed to do. the better part of me sincerely believed that life could work out this way. that a prophet could come down and guide you to your fate, and you find nirvana in control. beyond the joy that the $88 million dollar jackpot would bring, the prophecy, the follow through, and the understanding of all this would've equally been as valuable. a miracle. friday, i bought 14 lottery tickets at the liquor store i walk by every day on my way to work. just outside was where i was told i was a bright glowing ball of luck. it all made too much sense, i thought. i kept the tickets safe and even signed the back. i was sure. i felt my faith.
-
tuesday 'next week'.
lottery night. numbers were going to be picked at 8pm. it was also emily's last night before she went to idaho. i left the tickets in LA. i knew i wanted to be alone when i saw the numbers magically, yet not so magically match up. i was sure in a way i didn't understand. we went out to dinner. i had a great time and completely forgot about the lottery. it's things like that that'll make you feel corny. maybe i'm already lucky.
as the night went on, i felt the excitement inflating. life was about to change like it never had. i left as usual and didn't tell anyone i'd be calling them in an hour to tell them things were about to get real. i took the 5 north, which usually detours you to the 91 after 11pm. it'd been that way for months. but not that night. they wanted me home as quick as possible. i drove fast and thought how i'd tell my parents. should i call or just show up? i was listening to 'sweet jane' and singing it like it was the last time. and then i saw it in my mirror. red blue red blue red blue red blue. i was surprisingly complacent and reasonable about it. i guess that comes from being pulled over eight times in the last five years and getting out of every single ticket. it comes from the fact that i truly believed i was never going to get another ticket, simply because when i was eighteen, i decided i wasn't going to anymore.
there's something very sad about getting ticketed while driving alone in the middle of the night. my excitement was gone. i could care less how much the ticket was. it was the fact that something i believed would never happen did happen. and the problem was, it made too much sense. from the way i drive, never getting a ticket again makes no sense. but that's the world i proudly live in. in my world, i do get pulled over 8 times and get myself out of every single one of them. it's having a will and a spirit, not luck. having a downtown LA crazy tell me something that leads me to winning the lotto is something that i believe can happen in my world. i believed it because it makes no sense to most people. but now, as i drove home, disturbed by the sensibility of what just happened, i knew it was over.
it's hard to be too disappointed by anything anymore. it's all quite funny and innocent and it's wonderful to enjoy things regardless of its consequence or conclusion. but what's really nice to know is that i'm still able to believe in something that absurd and nonsensical. at least to most people. but if i really thought i was going to win the $88 million dollar jackpot on july 15, 2008, then it's not hard to believe the future will turn out magnificently. my spirit is unbreakable, and nothing's gonna change my world. what's left for lucky and who cares, cheers.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
build
everyone's always cutting everyone else down like it'll make them feel bigger feel better when no one's really growing or getting bigger we're all just shrinking, we're all getting shorter. fuck all that. sick of it. help a fool out. help all your fools out. any chance you can. build up. build up. let's all build up. compliment when it's honest and accept honest compliments. encourage support help out. be okay for being happy for people. build up.
Monday, July 21, 2008
three
if life was burger king and said 'have it your way', i'd sleep for an hour a night and be okay. then i'd have this:
read / watch in the morning [in]
interact during the day and night [mix]
write / do until early morning [out]
too many filmmakers / writers settle for two of the above.
the ones i respect do all three consistently.
i have to have to, if nothing else.
[happy birthday jack 23]
read / watch in the morning [in]
interact during the day and night [mix]
write / do until early morning [out]
too many filmmakers / writers settle for two of the above.
the ones i respect do all three consistently.
i have to have to, if nothing else.
[happy birthday jack 23]
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
in love, not you
it's difficult to converse with someone that can only hear what they want to hear. inevitably, they will fall in love with you if you keep talking to them.
but the problem is, they won't realize it's got nothing to do with you.
but the problem is, they won't realize it's got nothing to do with you.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Dear Diary,
Today was hard. Jabar came out of the closet and immediately tried to have sex with me. I said no and he got very mad.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
tolstoy
"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."anna karenina
close book. game's over.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
work
12:39 PM
incoming call
ME: hello?
JABAR: hi michael
ME: what's up jabar
JABAR: mike...what're you doing?
ME: fool i'm at work
JABAR: mike i'm really bored right now
ME: jabar i'm at work you can't just call me when you're bored
JABAR: oh but mike-
ME: maan, i gotta go
call end.
JABAR text 12:40 PM: But mike..."I want to touch ur body with my mind." (leonard cohen lyric)
ME text 12:43 PM: Oh do you jabar? What part of my body jabar? I hope not the dick or the asshole, that would be gay and I know you got those gay thoughts jabar.
ME text 12:43 PM: Jabar did you really wanna play this game jabar?
JABAR text 12:45 PM: I hate u...I'm done
ME text 12:45 PM: Oh but jabar I just started and I'm gonna get started
JABAR text 12:47 PM: U make things not fun anymore
ME text 12:48 PM: Allen ginsberg wants said "there lain the sword of the angel headed hipster". Jabar he was talking about a gay dude's dick
JABAR text 12:49 PM: Ok...leave me alone
ME text 12:51 PM: Hi jabar
ME text 12:54 PM: Jabar be my friend let's talk. How's the shop today?
JABAR text 12:56 PM: Its chill nothing much
ME text 12:58 PM: If you want I can give you some really dope audiobooks to bump at the store
JABAR text 1:05 PM: Stop with that gay shit
ME text 1:06 PM: Jabar you should sell books and gay porn at your store too
JABAR text 1:07 PM: Mike...no more U win bitch!!! Leave me alone
ME text 1:07 PM: Man jabar, I'm really glad you called me cuz you were bored, we're like best friends and shit
we really are <3
right jabar?
...
jabar?
JABAR text 1:33 PM: Ur wack
incoming call
ME: hello?
JABAR: hi michael
ME: what's up jabar
JABAR: mike...what're you doing?
ME: fool i'm at work
JABAR: mike i'm really bored right now
ME: jabar i'm at work you can't just call me when you're bored
JABAR: oh but mike-
ME: maan, i gotta go
call end.
JABAR text 12:40 PM: But mike..."I want to touch ur body with my mind." (leonard cohen lyric)
ME text 12:43 PM: Oh do you jabar? What part of my body jabar? I hope not the dick or the asshole, that would be gay and I know you got those gay thoughts jabar.
ME text 12:43 PM: Jabar did you really wanna play this game jabar?
JABAR text 12:45 PM: I hate u...I'm done
ME text 12:45 PM: Oh but jabar I just started and I'm gonna get started
JABAR text 12:47 PM: U make things not fun anymore
ME text 12:48 PM: Allen ginsberg wants said "there lain the sword of the angel headed hipster". Jabar he was talking about a gay dude's dick
JABAR text 12:49 PM: Ok...leave me alone
ME text 12:51 PM: Hi jabar
ME text 12:54 PM: Jabar be my friend let's talk. How's the shop today?
JABAR text 12:56 PM: Its chill nothing much
ME text 12:58 PM: If you want I can give you some really dope audiobooks to bump at the store
JABAR text 1:05 PM: Stop with that gay shit
ME text 1:06 PM: Jabar you should sell books and gay porn at your store too
JABAR text 1:07 PM: Mike...no more U win bitch!!! Leave me alone
ME text 1:07 PM: Man jabar, I'm really glad you called me cuz you were bored, we're like best friends and shit
we really are <3
right jabar?
...
jabar?
JABAR text 1:33 PM: Ur wack
Monday, July 7, 2008
visions
breathing visions of i with faded skin, loosened and thin holding hands with a woman of light skin, motherly and feminine, glowing- the glowing mother of my childen dancing in the crayon field we're in, a lush green summer in switzerland high above the sewage gutter of the dying rest and my breaths are short but i like it that way and none of it's perfect but i know what's good. i've made my money and traded it for something of value and realized that the world is the size of the earth, not the size of silverlake or la or brooklyn or the united states or digital or technological or cultural or the culture you just can't shake, telling you defining you leading you to where and what you're supposed to be. because i learned to say no, so i'll be here, because i wanted to be here. and i smile in the sun as she walks ahead but always turns around to smile with her eyes to say hi, and i carry no books no knowledge no notepads, just feels and air. her and i, we aren't perfect, it ain't the movies we're still human beings. we fight once in a while but it's okay, it's worth it to feel the nakedness of what it takes to reconcile and i love her and knew like i've always known that i would find her- her that knows how to truly love because she loves herself as much as i love her, and knows she deserves to receive love and give love, and i never gave up no and didn't settle for anything less. and my kids, my innocent kids, truly innocent of the imagination stunting chains of american consumer horror, will start school the following year in zurich where we live. ah but for now we all are kids on these hills near our small summer cabin and we sing songs in french, in italian, in german and i look out and see the invincible snow of the alps and the blue skies that kiss the diamond lakes and heaven would be lucky to look half as heavenly as this place, and i think back years ago when i used to live in la and ny and competed in that race of who can feel best about themselves and dressed so nicely and smiled so insincerely, but always focused so clearly on making it and earning it and getting it so i could get away from all the mental and emotional cages that discretely kill the spirit of the people in those towns, in that country. i think back on it all and see what's in front of me now, and smile in relief, and smile more to think that all my friends and family are happy too, on their own or with my eagerness to help and i see them all the time wherever they choose to be, and they're happy, partially because i've demanded them to find a way to be, and living is simple and fullfilling, the way it's always been but for once, i finally see it in all its beauty.
if this life ain't for dreamin, then i might as well wake up and die
Saturday, July 5, 2008
whole
i had breakfast with laura yesterday and we were at ihop and the bill came and we wanted to split the check but i had a card and she had cash. she only had a twenty and her meal was about $12 but she gave me the twenty anyway and told me to give her five back. i took out a ten and said "i only have a ten, but take it." she said no she only wanted a five. so i said "here take the ten or i'm gonna rip it in half, that's the only way i'm gonna give you five." so she calmly said, "okay rip it." if it were anybody else, i would have thought they were just calling my bluff, but not her. i knew she really meant it and she knew i really meant it- it wasn't a test. so i ripped the ten in half and gave her the left side. she said "i'm really glad you did that" and smiled. because splitting a check between good friends is never about the money, and she knows that.
now we both have worthless halves of a ripped ten in our wallets, but it's endlessly more valuable than the money it used to be. it's people like her who get it that remind me i'm not crazy. not crazy at all.
now we both have worthless halves of a ripped ten in our wallets, but it's endlessly more valuable than the money it used to be. it's people like her who get it that remind me i'm not crazy. not crazy at all.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
blue
creepy the way everyone looks like they're talking to themselves now, driving alone in their cars, their bluetooths hidden in their right ears.
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