i'm walking out of the downtown parking garage headed towards work. it's a routine you have to live with. around the corner walks the most unsettling people you'll ever see. everybody's got a story. it makes you feel vulnerable you're not riding in a car. it's what los angeles will do to you. this particular morning, a man wearing a turban dressed in his tuesday office attire walks towards me. he doesn't notice me and i think nothing of it until we make eye contact. i look away and keep moving but in my peripheral i notice that he has stopped. he's staring and pointing at me with his chin. i hear him call me and i turn and face him. the calm grey face he had is gone. he stares at me as if i'm bright and glowing, his right hand reaching out, his focus locked on something beyond my skin. i'm more impatient than perturbed although i can't help but notice he's reaching for my face.
'lucky,' he says. 'you are lucky.'
'right, of course,' i nod. i'm slightly above bored. he's fixated on the left corner of my forehead.
'your head. it is lucky. next week, you will be lucky.'
i finally take a step back. he's shorter than i am and needs to lean in to touch my face. it's uncomfortable for anyone.
'thank you,' i lie.
i walk away, distracted from my routine. i glance back at him. he has turned around and is headed back down his original path. before i look away, i observe him for a moment. he appears normal and walks past strangers no more stranger than anybody else. i shrug my eyes and leave.
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wednesday the next day.
i'm walking around the corner. i never think of anything in the morning. if i am, it's forgotten like a dream by noon. except today, i'm half expecting to see my man. he, of course, isn't there. i start to think about our encounter and what was said. not many moments of it crystalizes for me, except when i hear him say 'next week.' why next week i wonder? it's specific but beyond that, it's logical. it makes a lot of sense to tell me 'next week' i'll be lucky the week before. it creates suspense and drama. i laugh on the street. the guy got me.
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the next few days.
i'm becoming very aware of how much my mind wanders. i notice because every time i do wander, i find myself wondering what it means to be lucky. i humor the idea because however i imagine it, the future looks good. my first impulse is winning the lotto. of course. but that kind of money usually becomes a curse in stories like these. so i get romantic and think, what if i meet a lady next week? but i'd be too aware. wouldn't be 'real'. in fact, any opportunity wouldn't be real. except...money. curse or no curse, money is money. it's irrational how i immediately associate money with guilt and negativity. but as time passes now, i begin to imagine what i'd do with a lottery amount of money. my parents would be handling it or i'd be smart about it either way. it'd change the lives of everyone i knew because we would all have it. we. and i honestly mean that. and because i mean it, winning the lotto wouldn't be bad thing. wouldn't be a selfish thing. i can't buy happiness but i can find it in seeing the people i care about happier and less stranded by something as awful as money.
i felt righteous and spiritually deserving. i couldn't stop playing this future. i went on the california lottery website and figured out what i needed to do. the better part of me sincerely believed that life could work out this way. that a prophet could come down and guide you to your fate, and you find nirvana in control. beyond the joy that the $88 million dollar jackpot would bring, the prophecy, the follow through, and the understanding of all this would've equally been as valuable. a miracle. friday, i bought 14 lottery tickets at the liquor store i walk by every day on my way to work. just outside was where i was told i was a bright glowing ball of luck. it all made too much sense, i thought. i kept the tickets safe and even signed the back. i was sure. i felt my faith.
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tuesday 'next week'.
lottery night. numbers were going to be picked at 8pm. it was also emily's last night before she went to idaho. i left the tickets in LA. i knew i wanted to be alone when i saw the numbers magically, yet not so magically match up. i was sure in a way i didn't understand. we went out to dinner. i had a great time and completely forgot about the lottery. it's things like that that'll make you feel corny. maybe i'm already lucky.
as the night went on, i felt the excitement inflating. life was about to change like it never had. i left as usual and didn't tell anyone i'd be calling them in an hour to tell them things were about to get real. i took the 5 north, which usually detours you to the 91 after 11pm. it'd been that way for months. but not that night. they wanted me home as quick as possible. i drove fast and thought how i'd tell my parents. should i call or just show up? i was listening to 'sweet jane' and singing it like it was the last time. and then i saw it in my mirror. red blue red blue red blue red blue. i was surprisingly complacent and reasonable about it. i guess that comes from being pulled over eight times in the last five years and getting out of every single ticket. it comes from the fact that i truly believed i was never going to get another ticket, simply because when i was eighteen, i decided i wasn't going to anymore.
there's something very sad about getting ticketed while driving alone in the middle of the night. my excitement was gone. i could care less how much the ticket was. it was the fact that something i believed would never happen did happen. and the problem was, it made too much sense. from the way i drive, never getting a ticket again makes no sense. but that's the world i proudly live in. in my world, i do get pulled over 8 times and get myself out of every single one of them. it's having a will and a spirit, not luck. having a downtown LA crazy tell me something that leads me to winning the lotto is something that i believe can happen in my world. i believed it because it makes no sense to most people. but now, as i drove home, disturbed by the sensibility of what just happened, i knew it was over.
it's hard to be too disappointed by anything anymore. it's all quite funny and innocent and it's wonderful to enjoy things regardless of its consequence or conclusion. but what's really nice to know is that i'm still able to believe in something that absurd and nonsensical. at least to most people. but if i really thought i was going to win the $88 million dollar jackpot on july 15, 2008, then it's not hard to believe the future will turn out magnificently. my spirit is unbreakable, and nothing's gonna change my world. what's left for lucky and who cares, cheers.
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