visions

breathing visions of i with faded skin, loosened and thin holding hands with a woman of light skin, motherly and feminine, glowing- the glowing mother of my childen dancing in the crayon field we're in, a lush green summer in switzerland high above the sewage gutter of the dying rest and my breaths are short but i like it that way and none of it's perfect but i know what's good. i've made my money and traded it for something of value and realized that the world is the size of the earth, not the size of silverlake or la or brooklyn or the united states or digital or technological or cultural or the culture you just can't shake, telling you defining you leading you to where and what you're supposed to be. because i learned to say no, so i'll be here, because i wanted to be here. and i smile in the sun as she walks ahead but always turns around to smile with her eyes to say hi, and i carry no books no knowledge no notepads, just feels and air. her and i, we aren't perfect, it ain't the movies we're still human beings. we fight once in a while but it's okay, it's worth it to feel the nakedness of what it takes to reconcile and i love her and knew like i've always known that i would find her- her that knows how to truly love because she loves herself as much as i love her, and knows she deserves to receive love and give love, and i never gave up no and didn't settle for anything less. and my kids, my innocent kids, truly innocent of the imagination stunting chains of american consumer horror, will start school the following year in zurich where we live. ah but for now we all are kids on these hills near our small summer cabin and we sing songs in french, in italian, in german and i look out and see the invincible snow of the alps and the blue skies that kiss the diamond lakes and heaven would be lucky to look half as heavenly as this place, and i think back years ago when i used to live in la and ny and competed in that race of who can feel best about themselves and dressed so nicely and smiled so insincerely, but always focused so clearly on making it and earning it and getting it so i could get away from all the mental and emotional cages that discretely kill the spirit of the people in those towns, in that country. i think back on it all and see what's in front of me now, and smile in relief, and smile more to think that all my friends and family are happy too, on their own or with my eagerness to help and i see them all the time wherever they choose to be, and they're happy, partially because i've demanded them to find a way to be, and living is simple and fullfilling, the way it's always been but for once, i finally see it in all its beauty.

if this life ain't for dreamin, then i might as well wake up and die